You might think that my lowest point of walking through the fire was:
- when the doctors told us Lydia had cancer or
- maybe when they said the cancer is worse in her body now that when the first diagnosis was given, or
- when they told us they didn’t have a donor… but that wasn’t it either.
The support, encouragement, and prayers from the beginning were incredible! God clearly spoke a promise to Lydia who didn’t even have a clue as to what she was about to go through. When we returned to our house in Orangeburg, SC after Lydia’s 100 days of isolation, something was way off. As I stated in the first few parts of the Return Home Series Lydia was steadily losing weight and the doctors couldn’t figure out why. She wasn’t getting sick but something was amiss. Sometimes Moms just know what the problem is but since I was not a doctor I was nearly mocked for my suggestion to check her GI track. That was frustrating to say the least; however to have my closest to the situation disregard my prayer request about her digestive track was…to say the least, hurtful. More than one had the nerve to tell me, “Trust the doctors, they know what is best”. This would go under the category of something not to say especially if they had kept up with how many times the doctors screwed up from the beginning of the diagnosis. I responded cautiously, “Not really, God knows what is best and I am praying that the doctors will listen to Him. Something is wrong and in all the tests they run over and over again, they find nothing and yet she continues to lose weight. But the one area they will not check is her GI track.”
By mid-December of 2013 I stopped sharing my prayer request because the pain of knowing or even thinking the possibility that they wouldn’t pray or weren’t praying anymore threatened to send me into a state of depression I had never known before. It was not a feeling of being alone but the awareness of feeling abandoned on the battlefield before the war was over.
It made be think of when Jesus was abandoned by His disciples when the traitor had brought temple guards to arrest Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Those I had thought closest to me didn’t see the need to pray just like Peter, James, and John when Jesus had asked them to pray with Him.
For two month after our return home I was faced with things people just shouldn’t say, yet something compels us to speak when silence would be much better:
- Things we shouldn’t say, “I don’t have compassion for your situation.” That is a blow that is indescribable. That was a confession of sin; therefore take it to God, that is not something you tell someone who is still fighting for the life of their daughter. And the Lord helped me to see that they couldn’t have compassion because they had stepped back from our lives because they couldn’t handle the knowing what we were going through. Once I understood, I could forgive and the pain slowly dissipated.
- Things we shouldn’t say, “I feel like I have failed you as a friend because I forgot to pray for you.” This would have been better to not know. If the individual didn’t bring it up then at the point you were convicted about not being a friend to them, make a change in your life and begin being the friend you should have been from the beginning. For me, I didn’t even notice that they had not been one of the ones sending be encouraging messages, cards or calls. I was not keeping a tally sheet on what everyone did or didn’t do. I was not comparing what one did verses what another one did. My focus was on God for the life of my daughter and the day our family would reunite.
- Things we shouldn’t say, “I just don’t pray like you do.” What does that have to do with anything? If you don’t know what to pray then pray ‘will of God be done in Jesus name’. Seems simple but that is all we ever wanted because we knew God’s way was best and would produce God results for Lydia and our family. There were plenty of people who don’t believe in the healing hand of God that would give us an encouraging word at just the right time.
- Things we shouldn’t say, “I know you and this is what you need”. Don’t assume that you know them when you have not been with them through the battle. There is no possible way outside of God’s intervention that you would know them and what they need. Be careful to put a demand on someone that would take them from their position before God to contend for the life of their daughter and unity of their family. If you are led by God to do something then do it but don’t pull someone away from their position of tending their family to meet your own needs.
- Things we shouldn’t say, “Everything will be all right”, if you aren’t willing to follow it up with prayer or an encouraging word. This made me feel like it was an excuse not to contend for the miracle needed. I had full faith that Lydia would be healed but the less we would have to go through the better. The sooner we could reunite as a family the better. I didn’t want one year away from Abigail and Josiah to turn into two or three.
- Things we shouldn’t say, After asking about Abigail and Josiah and my sharing the highlights of their time in Iowa one person had the nerve to ask me, “What if they don’t want to come back?” I could barely hold it together before I got to my car and the tears streamed down my face all the way home. This is not what a mother wants to hear when her heart aches from missing milestone events in their lives. Just because I didn’t share all the difficulties they were going through doesn’t mean that there weren’t any.
- Things we shouldn’t say, “You realize it is your fault you are missing out on the things Abigail and Josiah are doing and going through.” Reminder…we were fighting for the life of one of our daughters. I couldn’t be in two places at once. And God had provided a stable place for them. If they had remained, they too would have been under isolation and kept from everything and everyone just like the rest of us who remained. Just because God provided it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to endure it. In my mind I knew it was the best place for Abigail and Josiah but in my heart I hurt to not be able to support, encourage and cheer them on.
By December, it got to be where I didn’t want to go anywhere because I didn’t know if I could hold-it-together and I needed to believe that people were still praying, still believing for Lydia’s complete healing and our family’s need to be united again. It was terrible because I am a people person, I love to give hugs, laugh and genuinely care about how people are doing.
I buckled under the pressure of the things people shouldn’t say, to the decline in Lydia’s weight, and missing Abigail and
Josiah terribly. I tried to share with a couple of people how their comments had hurt me but they blew it off so I committed the ultimate, “No you didn’t” (gasp)! Yep, I did (heavy sigh). I sent a letter explaining how I had been hurt and to explain that I had not abandoned them but I had positioned myself to fight for my daughter’s life. I shared how in Hebrews it says that there were those who died before their promise was fulfill and I didn’t want that to be Lydia if there was anything I could do about it. Just like most letters it was misread and backfired on me so a few weeks later another big blow from the recipients would knock the air out of me.
Since I wasn’t being heard in person I thought I would fully explain the situation and the decisions we made through the letter. Silly me and the things I shouldn’t have said. If they couldn’t honor me in person by listening and caring then what was I thinking by writing a letter. I was hoping they would see the importance of our decision in how we fought for our daughter’s life and in letting Abigail and Josiah go to Iowa; instead, they felt like they were given the position of judge over our decisions. Unbelievable, I know, and yet, I can’t say I haven’t done it myself. So I positioned myself before God to let Him examine my heart. The pain it caused me I never wanted to inflict upon another. I also wanted to repent for anyone I had hurt. It was like surgery but it had to happen so I could begin healing. I am not responsible for other but I can do something about me. So I decided to make the changes in me to love others and let God direct others. I can’t imagine forgetting this painful lesson, but I want to learn it so I don’t hurt others the way I had been hurt.
Thankfully, Jan 2nd something changed.
Remaining in His Presence,
Veridee Hand
Many times words just can’t express what a hug can. GIVE HUGS FREELY 🙂
Loving all of the Hands from here V, miss y’all, still praying and knowing that the miracle maker has His umbrella of protection, grace, and mercy covering all of you. Sometimes (we have seen) that people speak when it would be better to hug. Hindsight being what it is, I could have given more hugs…
I agree, I have learned a lot through this and pray that a real change in me has taken place so I am able to give the hugs and speak only what will encourage others. Blessings to you and Wendy and the family!!! God will and continues to show Himself strong on your behalf. 🙂
Hugs Veridee, I’m giving you big hugs right now!
Love u sir
Thank you so much for sharing your story and the painful things you have endured from friends Veridee, I am so sorry, and really wish I were not on the other side of the world so I could give you a big long hug. =)
I appreciate you sooooo much.
I appreciate the time you spend in God’s presence learning from Him and recieving wisdom and direction so you will be ready in season and out of season to properly encourage people in different situations. Your ministry and example mean so much to ‘Osi and I. Recently I have been listening to the audio book again for “The Launching Pad” and I keep listening while doing my household chores and praying along with you! Amen! Yes Lord, that is SO true! haha
Not only that but I have also been sharing the book and audio download with other missionary friends and Mom’s here in Tonga, and they all say its been a great blessing, and teaching them how to pray better than before.
‘Osi and I love you and your family so much. Thank you for sharing this post, I will try my best to remember what you shared about what we should not say, because we have lots of opportunities out here to visit people in the hospital, and also go to funerals, and visit people who are grieving. Most of the time I don’t ever know what to say, because I am afraid it will sound trite or ignorant. So I just pray for more of Jesus’ presence in that place, and more compassion…and I just end up crying with them, and hugging them if they let me.
That is the best we can do. Like you said, powerful prayers offered in faith, and then hugs.
Give big hugs to the kids from me please! and Happy Thanksgiving!
love,
Jennifer
AUGH, I just wrote a huge long message and then had to login to wordpress and it was deleted. lol Just wanted you to know I love you Veridee!!! This post was especially encouraging to me because we often visit people in the hospital or funerals here in Tonga, and I never know what to say to people who are grieving, so I just agree with you and offer prayers in faith and then hugs when people allow me too. Many other things we say just seem trite and ignorant. People need hugs and compassion and tenderness when going through the fire =)
But have grace for people who say stupid things please =) Most of the time they just feel ackward and genuinely want to help “fix it” but they don’t have the tools, or are not walking in the Spirit so they just can’t come up with the right words/encouragement on their own.
You are such a great encouragement and hero to my Veridee. I have been listening to the audio version of “The Launching Pad” lately while doing my housework, and I keep shouting Amen! Yes, that’s so true! =)
I have given the audio download to many other missionaries and Mom’s in Tonga too, and they all really appreciate it and are growing in their prayer life thanks to you, and the Holy Sprit.
Much love and hugs to you my friend. I love you and your precious family.
-Jennifer
Absolutely Jen 🙂 Grace is given in abundance or I couldn’t have survived under the pressure. there are many reasons why we, yes, even I say stupid things. When we get back to Iowa we are starting the Launching Pad. It is time to refresh and reignite what God has already done as we move forward in what God is doing in our lives!!! Be blessed my friend! God is moving in you and through you to bring the nation of Toga under the fullness of God’s love! Love you my dear! Veridee